Life's Reflections
I have been doing some reflections lately. My life, my family, my health. Although I really can't complain about too much in my life, there are many things I wish I could change and things I wish I had more control over.
My life.... is not too bad. I live in a wonderful place with the most fabulous views. I am happily married, almost 7 years now. I enjoy the crafts I do, but am eager to have more people in my life. I am lonesome. Even with a household of people, it seems there is way to much "quiet" time. Now, don't get me wrong, I like my time. My time to knit, my time to watch the water, my time to reflect. I do miss having someone to talk to. I miss having conversations, real conversations, where you are happy to be with that person. It seems that conversations here at home are mostly at the dinner table. The rest of the time, the boys are busy with their computer games, their music, the chores. I do enjoy a weekly breakfast with my mother. We talk and laugh. Share our weeks with each other. I truly do look forward to those times. I just wish I had more. Is that wrong? Wrong to want more time with those you love and cherish. Apparently to some, it is.....
My family....I wish I had the ability to make the relationship between my daughters and I better. Things have been stressful with the ongoing illness of Kristen. I haven't handled things well with that. I am emotional. I expect more and get less. I want to help and not be left aside. I want to be important. All the things I want are not in the present. The relationships I want seem so hard to achieve. I have tried....maybe too hard. But at what point do you say to yourself, I just have to wait. I am told to keep letting them know I am thinking of them. I am told to write and ask about generic things, nothing on a personal level, and hope that things will work itself out. I have done that, nothing to personal, certainly nothing relating to the stresses in the relationships, and I get little back. I so wish that I knew what to do to change things. I wish I knew what to do to have a mother/daughter relationship back. My oldest son tells me she is taking a break from me. What does that mean? How long? Do I take the time to let them know I am thinking of them and be rejected? While celebrating my youngest son's 13th birthday, my daughter called. I was so excited to see her number on the caller ID, I didn't stop to think she was calling to talk to her brother, not me. Although I was happy she called her brother, a sadness came over me when I realized that it wasn't her just calling to "chat". I miss that. Well, I guess I just wait. Wait to have that call be for me. Wait for that email meant for me. Wait......
Health....well that is another issue. I have been without insurance for a year now. I have been patiently waiting for the new insurance to kick in. It was to be effective the 1st of this month. Then we found out that we had to wait for our cards to come. Then we found out the cost was almost double what we were told a month ago. I have been without medicine for my gerd for 3 weeks now. It is too expensive to buy on my own. $170 for a month. Insurance would bring it down to $30. Wow! So here I sit waiting.....Again waiting....for the coverage. I have two hernia's that are causing so many problems on almost a daily basis, along with the daily stomach (acid) problems. Sometimes unbearable pain. Not sleeping well, waking every 2-3 hours with the pain and discomfort. Come to find out, that we have to be on the insurance for 6 months before I can have them fixed. Prior condition. No concern for the quality of life I am forced to not have. No concern for the intense pain when it pops out and gets hard. Then there is whatever is growing in my stomach area. A hard mass of something. What is is? Is it just the hernia, tearing away all the protective lining of my innards? Is it something else? I have been concerned for almost a year now about that. What will that mean for the pre-existing conditions limitations? Well, like I said before....I will just have to wait ....
My life.... is not too bad. I live in a wonderful place with the most fabulous views. I am happily married, almost 7 years now. I enjoy the crafts I do, but am eager to have more people in my life. I am lonesome. Even with a household of people, it seems there is way to much "quiet" time. Now, don't get me wrong, I like my time. My time to knit, my time to watch the water, my time to reflect. I do miss having someone to talk to. I miss having conversations, real conversations, where you are happy to be with that person. It seems that conversations here at home are mostly at the dinner table. The rest of the time, the boys are busy with their computer games, their music, the chores. I do enjoy a weekly breakfast with my mother. We talk and laugh. Share our weeks with each other. I truly do look forward to those times. I just wish I had more. Is that wrong? Wrong to want more time with those you love and cherish. Apparently to some, it is.....
My family....I wish I had the ability to make the relationship between my daughters and I better. Things have been stressful with the ongoing illness of Kristen. I haven't handled things well with that. I am emotional. I expect more and get less. I want to help and not be left aside. I want to be important. All the things I want are not in the present. The relationships I want seem so hard to achieve. I have tried....maybe too hard. But at what point do you say to yourself, I just have to wait. I am told to keep letting them know I am thinking of them. I am told to write and ask about generic things, nothing on a personal level, and hope that things will work itself out. I have done that, nothing to personal, certainly nothing relating to the stresses in the relationships, and I get little back. I so wish that I knew what to do to change things. I wish I knew what to do to have a mother/daughter relationship back. My oldest son tells me she is taking a break from me. What does that mean? How long? Do I take the time to let them know I am thinking of them and be rejected? While celebrating my youngest son's 13th birthday, my daughter called. I was so excited to see her number on the caller ID, I didn't stop to think she was calling to talk to her brother, not me. Although I was happy she called her brother, a sadness came over me when I realized that it wasn't her just calling to "chat". I miss that. Well, I guess I just wait. Wait to have that call be for me. Wait for that email meant for me. Wait......
Health....well that is another issue. I have been without insurance for a year now. I have been patiently waiting for the new insurance to kick in. It was to be effective the 1st of this month. Then we found out that we had to wait for our cards to come. Then we found out the cost was almost double what we were told a month ago. I have been without medicine for my gerd for 3 weeks now. It is too expensive to buy on my own. $170 for a month. Insurance would bring it down to $30. Wow! So here I sit waiting.....Again waiting....for the coverage. I have two hernia's that are causing so many problems on almost a daily basis, along with the daily stomach (acid) problems. Sometimes unbearable pain. Not sleeping well, waking every 2-3 hours with the pain and discomfort. Come to find out, that we have to be on the insurance for 6 months before I can have them fixed. Prior condition. No concern for the quality of life I am forced to not have. No concern for the intense pain when it pops out and gets hard. Then there is whatever is growing in my stomach area. A hard mass of something. What is is? Is it just the hernia, tearing away all the protective lining of my innards? Is it something else? I have been concerned for almost a year now about that. What will that mean for the pre-existing conditions limitations? Well, like I said before....I will just have to wait ....
posted by Janet at 7:42 PM
1 Comments:
Janet,
Prayers, Hugs and lots of encouraging smiles. I am sorry that this is all coming on at once. Lonliness is so hard to cope with. You have me. You can email me, call me, snail mail letters to me... anything you need to help make this "away from Mom time" easier... just let me know.
Saying prayers, wishing upon a star and crossing my fingers for you. Just keep your head high, and your eyes on the ultimate goal. Girls will be girls, just like Boys will be boys. Regardless of what brought you to this current position in these relationships, they know who their Momma is. They will be back.
Just let them know on a periodic basis that you love them and are thinking of them... that's all you can do. Let them come back to you.
Hugs!!
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